ahh... life continues... every day i am faced with babies, moms, my friends are having babies, my friends are getting married. And here i am... single, lost my opportunity to be a mother, and just missing one thing: love.

Wither thats love from my friends, or love from a lover... I've had time to think a lot lately, seeing that most of my old friends have moved on with their own lives to the point i don't really see them as friends anymore. Thats not me trying to be mean, but its true... everyone's grown apart. but i've caught myself looking at Kyle's deviantart site, and chris's myspace... First of all, i realized that the only real 'love' i've ever had was with Kyle... How do i know? Because we showed eachother on a daily basis, even being over a thousand miles apart, that we loved eachother. And when i was with him the look in his eyes just told me that he really loved me. We may have been young, but that in my life has been the only real true love outside of my family. With chris, i realized lately that the reason i dont miss the feeling i had when i was with him, was because it wasent really love. It was me trying too hard to get that feeling that i had with kyle, and try to have it with someone else who didnt want it. I've also realized... i dont miss Kyle per-say. I like being able to randomly talk to him on the occasion, but i dont miss dating him. I miss the FEELING. The love we had. He was the only guy i ever felt that from... chris, i was the one who was trying to love him, but his heart still belonged to his ex. besides him i really havent had any other boyfriends. i've had a few that lasted like a few weeks, but chris and kyle get my real 'boyfriends' spot i guess. =) i guess all i want is to be loved... I hate the guys i get emailing me now, aside from the ones saying 'Damn you are fucking sexy, we should talk' as if being sexy is the only thing about me... but the guys who ask me what i want in a guy... acting as though im going to chizzel out the exact image of my perfect man. Honestly, perfection bores me. I want something differnt, something that I PERSONALLY find attractive and fun and someone who just loves ME. Someone not afraid to show and tell me that he does... too much to ask for? i guess so...

WOW i ramble on a lot... Otherwise, i've lost a total of 22 pounds and its still declining. it's been a lot slower since the 10 pound first week DROP! lol I know why though. I was eating so terribly unhealthy, almost nothing healthy, due to the pregnancy, the abortion and the wave after wave of depression afterwards. I was eating thing's i am almost too embarresed to even say. So that first week i drank only water, ate vast amounts of veggies, and i was healthy! Still am, and already i am feeling changes in my body. I love being able to hug my parents and them tell me how small im getting. The compliments i am getting from people who havent even seen me in awhile is boosting my motivation up a couple of notches as well! I am down 2 pant sizes at torrid. and i cant wait to just keep declining. I AM the Biggest Loser! And i am damn proud to say that =)

Otherwise not much is new. hung out with my mandy-kins the other day. I love her so damn much. I just wish she didnt live so far away =(

my dad finds out on Monday if he will make it into round 2 of the interveiws for the Harley Davidson job... pray that he gets it... I want to move away from this state so bad it hurts. I would do anything to get away! I love my friends, i do... but come on... how often do you really see me anyway? -sigh- West Virginia...West Virginia...West Virginia... i wont stop dreaming untill i am living there!

Goodnight all.

~Ayla~

Bah... Life has just been that lately.. blah. No other real reason to say it. I've been stressed to no end, i've been depressed a lot and most of the time just wanting to curl up under my sheets and be left alone. I did something not too long ago that was stupid... i slept with a guy i thought liked me... but it turns out that was a front. All he wanted was the sex, and afterward i hadent even heard from him for a month, before i got a message saying 'when are we hanging out again?' as if i was gonna F*@# him again. HA right! -sigh- i wound up taking the morning after pill less than 24 hours afterwards... it said that sometimes 2 out of 100 people still get pregnant when they try the morning after pill... its supposidly 90% affective. Well, i am one of thoes 2 people. u__u I know in a few blogs ago i said i wanted this, i wanted a baby. But i did not want a baby who would have no father. I can't do it. I am no where near far along in my education, i have a dead end job and am making hardly any money. and according to my parents, my whole family, my friends... abortion is just the right answer. But my f*ing god that does not make the decision easier... It's not something i want to do, infact... i've been crying nightly since my mom set the appointment. But i know its the best option... we all agree'd we couldn't do adoption, cause we would all want to keep the baby. Knowing my family, we would get way too attached. Than of course when i finally settled my stomach about the situation, my mom comes to me and says "As much as i know that this idea is the right one, a huge part of me wants to be a grandma..." UGHHH! >.< that does NOT make things easier.

I've been miserable... i cry when i pass the baby isle in stores, i work in a damn MATURNITY store... that really dosent help... every show on tv just happens to have babies in them right now, even if they in general have nothing to DO with them. ... i hurt. i guess thats what it comes down to. I can't fathom how people can get abortions and not feel anything... and get 8 or so done and act like its just another form of birth control. I've always been pro-choice... but that really dosent make anything easier.

I'm off... i needed to rant somewhere... and honestly, not many people read this... so i really didnt care.